...well, as we all know, the sexual rituals of most Americans involve many known bear treats like berries, nuts, and Cheerios (and what not). Now, I don't know about you, but would you want a bear to attack you during intercourse? I should think not!
I remember a time when man and bear lived in peace. It was about the same time that monkey and robot lived in peace. Unfortunately we all know how the monkey robot wars ended. Hopefully, we can defeat these godless killing machines before they team up with robots.
I have nightmares at night about bears attacking me, mauling me, and then eating me alive. Bears are souless, Godless killing machines and they are a greater threat to America than anybody right now.
bears follow me around while I jog. At least, I keep seeing them. No one else seems to, but I'm almost certain I'm not hallucinating... and if I am, it's surely because of bears.
oh wait a sec no i dont. I think shetphen colbert is joking usual. his witty irony touches my heart. but bears are no joke. if you all think he is joking about bears you must be a bunch of urban hipsters who have never seen a bear flay a man and then make him watch the bear cook and eat his skin...
I support this petition because Stephen Colbert wants me to and like all good Americans I let Conservative Republicans do my thinking for me so I have more time to watch Lost and oil my guns.
I support this petition because Stephen Colbert wants me to and like all good Americans I let Conservative Republicans do my thinking for me that way I have more time to watch Lost.
I believe that grizzly bears have a soviet mentality while black bears have been associating with Islamic radicals. Destroy the bears and save our children!
Folks, the bear threat is a real and present danger. We must act decisively before they destroy our great nation!
"The number one threat facing America today.... is bears!" - Stephen Colbert
because one time this family of bears kicked me out of a nice cozy home with free food (porridge) and 3 nice warm beds (I'm picky about sizes). They said it was their "pad" and I was like, "stupid bears! You have no rights in this country! Eminent domain bi'atch!" But then I ran away because I was on the "wrong side of the forest" and I knew their bear friends would come after me too.
because i aint fighting no nunchuk bears by myself.If FPS Doug gets on board i will fight the bears with him,if Chuck gets on board we will both watch and enjoy the mighty bear slaying.
Bears your time is due.fools.
one time when i was camping w/ my friends, i thought i saw a bear behind the bushes, so I started yelling BEAR! BEAR! I must have been at it for about 5 minutes. I noticed that the bear was startled and wasn't moving, so i decided to keep doing it until the bear left. about 20 minutes later, we found out that it wasn't really a bear, but it was actually nothing at all. So my friends were all like, yo what the hell. and i explained "i thought i saw a bear." and my friend josh said, look jackass, you knocked over the water container, now what'll we drink. and i said "why don't just drink your..." and i hesitated for a while, cuz i couldn't think of anything to say. finally i said "...urine... drink your urine" and he said "what?!" and i was like "what" and then he just stared at me for a while, and it was really awkward. Finally, he just said "whatever dude" and i was like "pshh." But then my other friend, Julie goes "seriously, what the hell are we gonna drink now?" So i replied again... in hind sight it was the wrong move, but the situation seemed threatenning at the time, because julie is really muscular cuz she used to be a dude. So i said "why don't you drink ur" and then i hesitated again. but then i said "urine" again. I knew it sounded stupid, but i didn't wan't to sound weak because julie is really big and hairy, so i added "bitch". and then she threw a branch at my head and i had to get 3 stiches at the hospital. She appolagized later and i said that it was cool. When we were at the hospital, I farted and the smell was so bad, that the attending down the hall could smell it, and he stared at us for a while, but we just blamed it on the kid with lupus who was sitting next to us, and then laughed cuz e
Living in Texas, Steven seems like just part of the family down here.
He belives the same way as we all do down south so I'll support anything he supports. Regardless, isn't that what TV personalities are for, to save us time in having to think or worry about stuff like this?
I served in Operation Iraqi Freedom. The liberal media tried to convince the world that the Iraqis or "foreign fighters" were responsible for suicide bombings. The awful truth is that bears strap explosives to themselves and blow up American troops and innocent Iraqi civilians. They are murderers. The bears also have been trained in the US of RPG's and AK47's. The bear army is dangerous. They begun to sneak across our borders to entice Americans with inexpensive landscaping. They are there to get into our homes to get at our women. As someone knowledge in the military, know bears are dangerous. When I close my eyes at night, I see the image of a bear in a Iraq eating a child's intestines. It was horrible.
as a true American, I am deeply suspicious of anyone or thing that lives in a cave and emerges only to maul intrepid Americans while we are trying to put the natural resources in their habitat to better use...like fueling our SUVs. Clearly bears are some sort of Al Quaida terror cell long buried in America's heartlands to perform the work of the devil. Clearly.
something has to be done about the bear population. Not only are they godless killing machines, but they are also souless beings created by the devil. And, my hero Stephen Colbert is afraid of them, and if he wants them gone then we should annihilate them all. Stupid freaking bears. DIE!!!
Bears are bears. I'm a bear. I Bears are bears... I eat like a bear... I sleep like a bear... I choose to be a bear every day. I'm a bear. I'm going to go be a bear elsewhere...
I would never want bears to come into my house, eat my children and raid my fridge. Bears need to be taught a lesson in humility, and that is why I support this petition.
Even though we have the bearsurgency in its last throes, we cannot be anything less than adamant in our cause. Too long have these killing machines infiltrated our government, corruptly accquring taxpayer supported property for personal use and cleverly writing them off as "national parks". Don't be blinded by the Greenstapo fool you; these wanton creatures will not rest until America and everything it stands for has been mauled into submission.
I once lost my way on a trail in the mountains of Maine, and ended up in a "bad" part of the forest. A group of bears mugged me; they took my wallet and my camera, and proceeded to gang-rape me. They left me bent over a cairn in the dark to blindly stumble about and pick up the fragments of my dignity that had been literally ripped out of me.
Please exterminate these terrorists of nature.
I wholeheartedly support this petition. I too seek a swift and decisive resolution to the growing conflict between us and our ursine oppressors. If given the slightest opportunity, these villains will eat our food, ravage our women, and encourage our children to abandon study in math and science in favor of learning to play the drums. And do we need more drummers? No. The only thing we need less is bears. Amen and hallelujah.
Has anyone tried to forward this petition to the Colbert Report?
I think the publicity that Steven Colbert could provide would help the cause immensely.
As a child Winnie the Pooh was very threatening and scary. I always cheered for Chistopher Robin to but a bullet in his head. Sadly this never happend. Now we must stop this Bear Revolution being financed by PBS. This must end!!!!!!!
The bear menace has gone on far enough, even now, they are making moves on PBS, which is now known as the Pro Bear Station, in recent PBS documentaries bears completely took them over and replaced them with pro bear anti american propaganda. NPR is already going by its new name: National Polarbear Radio. Tucker Carlson is the one part of PBS that is fighting back against this bear onslaught, Good luck Tucker, and Good Night..
I don't have anything against bears. Never done anything to me, I've never done anything to them. We've never even met, as far as I know.
But what the heck, let's kill'em all.
Bears. Damn them all. They're all commies, yanno. Out to destroy our way of life. And the Russians, too - now that Russians got rid of the commies and the bears there. You don't hear about bears causing problems in Russia, now do you? That's 'cause all them godless, commie bears had to leave after they wised up. And they're all coming after us.
Kill them godless, commie, murdering, pinko bears!
First they came for the squirrels, and I did not speak out - because I was not a squirrel;
Then they came for the duck billed platypi, and I did not speak out - because I was not a duckbill platypus;
Then they came for the flying spaghetti monster, and I did not speak out - because I was not a flying spaghetti monster;
Then they came for the bears, and I did not speak out - because I was not a bear;
Then they came for me - and there was no one left to speak out for me.
But until they come for me, yeah, fuck it - kill all the bears.
Bears must go because I am sick and tired of them flinging their Charmin toilet paper all over our nation's forests, covered with their foul ursine skidmarks. Nasssty!
Having actually been attacked by one of these Godless killing machines, I support any action taken to help us rid our country of these America hating furry devils.
I support this petition. bears are now tagging humans with high tech tracking devices, so they can trace us, even when we run... we are their midnight snack!
I support this petition. It was a bear that ate Jim Fowler on my 'Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom' show. The censors wouldn't show his screaming, gory death and I thank God he had Mutual of Omaha Full Term Life with the extended 'Vicious Animal'coverage. But right now, you can still do something about it. Sign this petion and make sure there are still people and animals in future generations, free from Bear attack.
And Remember, just as Bears stalk the woods, so does Mutual of Omaha protect your family with all of its insurance needs...
I agree with this positions - there is no reason why we should let such dangerous animals run around in the wild. Eliminating bears would protect us humans, as well as provide bear meat for the poor.
I once shot a bear in Reno just to watch it die. But before it did, the bloodthirsty thing ate my grandpa. Death to bears! --My name is Marlitharn, and I approve this message.
First the bears attack the pipe lines, forcing us to pay higher prices at the pump. What is next? An attack at the Coca Cola Bottling Plants and Starbucks across the nation to bring us to our knees? These aren't cute little bears, these are insurgents.
Remember what happened to that hippie surfer flako on the remote Alaskan Island who was the Bear Whisperer? He Got Eaten! He is now bear poop. Who will be next unless we stop these killing machines?
Finally, someone has the guts to take the war to the bears. Those Godless killing machines have already eaten three of my childern and I say.....NO MORE!
I know the American-hating bear-huggers(Bears Hate America) will decry this but we must stand up againest the bears and never again take a single step backwards!
And finally, the #1 threat.. Pooh! as in Winnie the.. first of all disney, im calling you out, i dont know what a pooh is, but it looks a hell of a lot like a bear. anyway, last week, winnie the bear celebrated his 80th birthday with a star on the hollywood walk of fame, of course hollywood embraces winnie, cause they hate america almost as much as bears do, disney cut out the lies.. a cuddly non threatening bear is about as plausible as a tiger springy tail, parents keep your kids away from this bear friendly propaganda masked as entertainment, go into your kids rooms and confiscate anything with fozzy bear, the bearstein bears, sugar bear, yogi and booboo, the care bears, the snuggle bear, and of course, huggie bear.. now dont be fooled by his snappy threads and streetwise charm, hes one of the worst offenders of them all.. a bear that walks among us disguised as a human
If Americans didn't need SUV's to protect themselves from bears, these gas prices wouldn't be so high. Until all bears are killed, I will continue to drive my Hummer and you should too. Don't become another statistic.
I support this petition. We need to lobby Bush to take the war into Bear Country so we don't have to fight the bears here in America. God Bless America!!!!!
Bears must go. While they do cause physical harm to humans, due to their abilities to massacre small villages, it's the psychological damage that is the true problem. As long as they don't kill too many people they are dead useful for taking out all those idiots that appear on "When Animals Attack." With all the modern medicine there needs to be some way to cleans the gene pool. But the bears couldn't leave well enough alone. They launched a campaign of propaganda beginning with the Roosevelt administration and they continue to feed on the naiveness and vulnerability of our women and children. The Prey On Children (POC) faction culminated aggression in September 1985 with the nationwide recognition of their leader, Teddy Ruxpin. His mind control techniques are second to none. We were defenseless and our government did nothing to stop this savage from invading our homes and destroying our family values. We must stand united as Americans and wage a war against these bears. None should be left alive.
I am sick of the liberal media trying to sugarcoat and ignore the most important threat to our national security. Bears have always been heartless, murderous, athiest beings. Instead of pointing this out, the liberal media made bears to look as if they're our friends (ie. Winnie the Pooh, The Berenstein Bears, Teddy Bears, etc.). If the liberals were in charge, bears would share the same rights as every other heterosexual white human being. Thank God, this is not the case. It's time America wakes up! Bears are Godless killing machines! If God liked bears, bears could legally marry in every state! Can they? No! Therefore, God hates bears! If God hates bears, then you should too! Let's nuke the bears!
I support this petition. God made bears??? Clearly you know nothing about history, if you had read a history book, you would realize that god didn't create the bears, satan did, that is why they are known as godless killing machines. They don't answer to god, they answer to satan!
I support this petition. If by plain you mean vicious, uncontrollable, savages who feed off the suffering of humans, especially infants, then I would agree bears are just "plain animals." Did you guys not read about all these people killed by bears this year? How do you sleep at night supporting the murder of humans? Hitler murdered many people. Therefore, bears=Hitler. End of story.
I support this petition. With the exception of Will Smith and Martin Lawrence in Bad Boys II, bears are the most indiscriminate and prolific agents of death the world has ever known. They must be stopped.
I FUCKING don't support this. They are creatures just like us. They don't effing know any better. Have you not noticed that people are murderers too??? We have killed so many animals and people. But you don't see people or animals runnign around saying people should die. NO you dont. So eff off. you should die you mother effin murderer or aspiring murderer.
No longer satisfied with raiding our honey jars, these ursine marauders are now attacking our most precious natural resource.. celebrities.
Brad Pitt, who already has Angelina Jolie's claws sunk into him, returned with Jolie and her kids to his Canadian vacation home to discover two bears had broken into the kitchen, where they were rummaging for food, or photographs they could sell to the tabloids.
Park rangers were able to shoo the killing machines away, but the damage has been done. Now that these man eaters have had a taste of the limelight, they're sure to go after Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston.
And who could be next...
McConaughey?
