Make Dennis Shave His "Comedy Beard"

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Author: r40f

Started: March 8, 2009, 4:15:46 pm

Target: Dennis

Category: Health

Supporters:

Goal:

100,000

Goal Progress:

Status

Active

This petition represents the collective voice of those interested parties who demand that my friend Dennis shave off his "comedy beard" right away.

My friend Dennis is a struggling amateur stand-up comic and has gotten it into his head that all of the great comedians have beards to help their comic style. He cites George Carlin, Louis CK, Zach Galifianakis and George Burns as his bearded-comedy influences. I told him that George Burns never had a beard, he had a cigar, but he didn't even care.

Dennis has been growing his comedy beard for two weeks now and with every passing day, he looks more and more like an armpit. My first thought was of course to shave it in his sleep, but when I broke into his apartment, he was not asleep yet and got very angry with me. I said, "You told me you went to sleep at 11, what the ****, man?!"

My second idea was to call every living comedian and have them explain to Dennis that it wasn't the beard that made them successful, it was their sense of humor and good business sense... I cannot find any of their numbers, though. If Jerry Seinfeld (or his agent) is reading this, please get in touch because Dennis does not want to hear what I have to say about comedy.

He says I don't understand that "comedy is like an art" and that he must "hair up" to "make it". I told him he was an asshole and a failure. Then he said we weren't friends anymore. Then I said I didn't even care that we weren't friends because his face looked like a matted taint or the underside of a guerrilla's ballsac. Of course Dennis got all defensive and retorted, "That's ridiculous, that is not how you spell 'gorilla' you twit." Then I looked it up on Wikipedia and I realized he was right. But he was dead wrong about the beard - dead wrong!

So I am now left with no recourse but to establish this petition online herewith, hithertofore inasmuch as regarding the antidisestablishmentarian ism of Dennis's comedy beard which I do not think is even funny AT. ALL.

Once this petition has been signed by enough signers, I will present it to my friend Dennis and insist that he shave his comedy beard off once and for all, and install forewith a permanent ban about his facial hair. He will especially not be permitted to grow beards of any sort, even if they are proper bushy ones that are neatly trimmed and make him look like Roger Moore in "Ffolkes". He will also not be permitted to have a goatee, a soul patch, nor a pencil-thin chin strap of any sort. If he follows these rules, Dennis may apply for a non-comedic moustache permit after one year's probation period.

In addition to this agreement which I am making Dennis follow, Dennis may not use any facial hair jokes in his stand-up routine ever again. He is also not permitted to "try out some riffs" about "funny beards" on me or any of my friends or family ever again. There is nothing funny about beards, Dennis, you are SICK.

I only hope that this petition serves as the wakeup call Dennis sorely, itchingly, hairily needs. Please do the right thing and sign my petition right now and put and end to comedy beards worldwide. Thank you.