Canadian Reparations

Published January 23, 2006

Whereas, on January 18, 2006, two hippie organizations, the Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood and the Center for Science in the Public Interest, announced their intent to sue Kellogg Co. and Viacom for what they allege to be a deceptive and unfair business practice: advertising to young children. The groups claim that such advertisements have caused over $1 billion in economic harm to Massachusetts consumers; and

Whereas, we the undersigned strongly disagree with these organizations and condemn their actions; and

Whereas, we recognize that eating sugar-coated cereal, watching cartoons and learning of new, colorful and tasty sugar-coated cereals during the commercials are sacred rites of passage for all American children; and

Whereas, the nation of Canada became an oasis for draft-dodging hippies; and

Whereas, during the War of 1812 in which the British burned the White House, more than half of the British forces were made up of Canadian militia;

Now therefore, we the undersigned, hereby petition the Canadian Parliament as follows:

That during the legislative session following receipt of this instrument, consider:

1. The devastation caused by your war of aggression in 1812 against the United States created scars that have yet to heal.

2. Consumers in the Commonwealth of Massachusetts claim an injury to which hippies, such as you, may sympathize.

3. An appropriate remedy, which would both alleviate the injury alleged by the consumers and satisfy as reasonable reparations for your war atrocities, is to annex the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.

By Rowdy Theologian

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