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OFFICIAL BOOK PETITION: Dear Oprah, please make Kathy's book an OFFICIAL BOOK CLUB SELECTION!" Sign-in if you think Oprah should pick Kathy's book!
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A LETTER FROM KATHY

Dear Oprah,

Hi, how are you? How's Gayle doing today?

Nice to hear.

Get ready, cause after you read this barn burner, you're gonna want
me on for sweeps week. You're gonna want to open a school in my
name, and have a special edition white ladies' legends ball, just for me. Barbara Walters can cater. Maybe.

I know you have questions about what's wrong with me. Call Dr.
Oz, he can be on with me during my hour, too. You don't have to call
Nate. He's already on my team. But don't act like you don't want to see my post-op plastic surgery photos, if you haven't already flipped to that chapter. You probably don't remember that I was actually a guest on your show. Once. I'm on a lot of shows once, for some reason. But just know that if my house ever catches fire, I'm grabbing my two dogs, my picture with you, and running for my life. My mom is on her own. By the way, don't even think about Skypeing my mom for this episode. She'll throw me under the bus in a heartbeat. She's got a thing for Gayle. Ring a bell?

Let's establish some ground rules for my much - anticipated appearance on your show. First of all, I'd like to sit on your lap, at a moment of your choosing. Please wear peach. I love you in summer colors.

We're going to cold-call Steadman, because I'm no longer convinced
he even exists. And you will have to introduce me using your signature vowel-elongating bellow. Repeat after me: "KAAAA- THAY GRA- A- A- A- FF- A- A- A-A- A- N!" I already have chills.

Here's my promise to you. This will be the most talked-about episode of your career. Well, after the one where Dr. Oz showed pictures of your poo. And maybe the one where the Olsen twins shocked the world with their tales of the difficulties of living in the public spotlight while trying to sell their sassy- themed tween fashion clothing line.

I know that you like to do episodes that help women put themselves
"first on their list," that inspire "lightbulb" moments, and that
lead to revelations that are big. "BIG, PE- E- E- E- PUHL!" Our hour
together on camera, in front of your global audience, will surely motivate, challenge, and most important, help the children. After all, it is about the children. They are our future.

Here is what you will admire about me. I'm living the life you secretly
wish you could. I've got the dysfunctional family story just like a lot of people. I've bitten, scratched, and clawed to get where I am, just like you. But I don't have to be nice about it. I'm naming names and telling tales out of school. I will be your guilty pleasure. I will be your new showbiz confidante. I will be your new Julia Rob- iston-altrow- avolta- angelou.

So strap yourself in, O. You may be the only person who will still
be talking to me by the end of this journey. Keep a bunk open at that school in South Africa. I may need to lay low for a while.
Come to think of it, I'm not sure you can handle this book. I'm
going to Tyra.

XXOO
Kathy Griffin