Today marks the passing of not only a legendary performer, but also a beautiful human being. Of course, I'm talking about Michael Jackson.

RIP Michael Jackson. June 25th, 2009

Who among us can deny the many ways Michael Jackson touched us as children. Thriller, Bad, Captain EO... each earned a special place in our hearts. In life, Jackson broke down racial barriers, he paved the way for other hip hop/R&B stars like Mariah Carey and Usher. Selling over 250 million records in his lifetime, Jackson introduced us to a sense of style and raw energy that has not since been matched.

But his legacy doesn't end there...

Without Michael Jackson, there would be no Fat by Weird Al. That was a hilarious song. Also, we wouldn't have that cool Youtube video where all those Taiwanese prisoners do Thriller. I sent that video to like a hundred people.

Of course, when remembering the life of Michael Jackson, one cannot ignore the parade of slander and ridicule that followed his ALLEGED kiddie diddling. "Wacko Jacko", "Blowing Bubbles", and "Why did Michael Jackson go to K-Mart? Because he heard young boy's pants were half off," were part of our cultural lexicon in the 90's. I'm embarrassed to say that I laughed at all of those jokes.

Because violence and perversions against children are among the gravest of sins, now that he's dead, Michael Jackson might probably be going to go to hell. Anyone who doesn't look like a homeless retard thinks he did it and if he's guilty on Earth, he's guilty in heaven. That's called Dogma. That is also why I started this petition. With your help, I think we can petition GOD to keep Michael Jackson out of hell.

Together, we make a real difference in the after-life of someone who made such a miraculous difference in our lives here on Earth.

Dear God,

Only the good die young, huh? Well and at no time has that maxim been more true than it is today. Lord, in your infamous wisdom you chose to take Michael Jackson away from us. I'm sure you have your reasons, but before you decide his fate, please hear us out.

God, please don't send Michael Jackson to hell for banging a bunch of kids. Michael Jackson is an angel, Lord. He's an angel who learned to fly without wings. It's time to give him those wings. Send Michael Jackson to heaven, God, not hell.

Do you really want to be the guy who puts the King of Pop in a dick-roasting lake of fire for all eternity? Where monkeys stab his anus with hot pokers and his nose grows back and melts off every day like in Raiders of the Lost Ark? Where there's a playground full of passed out little boys who don't have anuses? Don't be a dick, God.

So Jackson ALLEGEDLY molested some kids? We've all ALLEGEDLY done some things, Lord. Down here on Earth, we have a saying. When you assume, you make an "ass" out of "u" and "me". When you assume that Michael Jackson is guilty, even though he wasn't convicted, you are making an ass out of yourself... and also us for believing in you.

Besides, Michael Jackson obviously did not molest those kids. Here's why I know.

First of all, what parent would settle out of court if their child was really molested? How much is that worth to a parent? $50,000, $100,000!? I doubt it. The fact is that no parent would take some piddly amount of money so some wacko rock star could use their child's anus as a luffe.

And even if Michael Jackson did molest a bunch of kids, who's fault is that really? Celebrities are under a lot of pressure. Their eccentricity is the stuff of legend. Elvis used to poop in the bed when he brought groupies home. Any parent who leaves their child in the custody of such a deluded megalomaniac deserves whatever happens.

More importantly, why would the King of Pop have molested some little loud mouth? Michael Jackson had more money than God (no offense). If he wanted to molest kids, he would have just gone to Thailand where you can do that kind of thing for like $3 and the cost of a rickshaw ride home. Hey way to go on that Tsunami in 2004, by the way. Did you fall asleep at the wheel?

All I'm saying, God, is that sending MJ to hell doesn't teach any of the rest of us not to molest kids. Most people who molest kids were abused as children themselves. That's pretty much a fact, God. Dr. Laura is saying that all the time on the radio. So who dropped the ball here?

That's right, it was you. We're asking you to look at the man in the mirror, Lord. See if He can change His ways. The only thing you teach us by sending Michael Jackson to hell is to spend more Sunday mornings in bed -- if you catch my meaning. Ka-Ching.

Besides, if he was guilty, I strongly believe that Michael Jackson would have repented for his sins before his death. But no one knows when they're going to die, do they God. That's ridiculous. You should give us like a warning. Like, hey you're gonna have a heart attack in ten minutes, got anything to be sorry for? I know I do!

Punishing us (especially Michael Jackson) for not repenting prior to death is like expecting someone to pay the tab at a restaurant when the waiter never comes and hasn't been seen since you walked in. Is the waiter going to come in like ten minutes or in ten years? If it's longer than a few hours, I'll be hungry again anyway, so why not just lump the two bills together? That makes sense, God. Surely, you can agree with that. You're a busy guy. Things slip through the cracks. Don't take it so personally.

In closing, Lord, thank you for reading. I realize that pulling someone out of hell has only been done like three times, but the fact of the matter is that there will never be another Michael Jackson. You really only need to ask yourself one question: the Earth will keep on spinning, but can there be a Heaven without Michael Jackson?

Your Pals,
-Everyone

PS, Also, dude...everyone pretty much let all those priests get away with it.

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