Dear Michael

I know there are a million reasons why you would not be reading this. Yet, fool that I am, I am hoping against hope... Many years ago, when I was a child, I wrote you a letter. What wonder, what excitement, what joy was mine at having discovered an artist, who quite literally, took my breadth away. Who showed me that beauty and magic and artistry could exist in this world at a level that I could never even conceive was possible! How I wish I could go back... With what grief, what torment, what devestation, do I write this letter now. My heart is so heavy, knowing that nothing will ever be the same again. This world has been thrown out of balance...

When I first heard of what had happened, I went through every stage of shock and denial, but as the magnitude of what had happened started to sink in, I was hysterical, completely hysterical with grief and inconsolable. I required medication on the day of your Memorial - it was one of the darkest days of my life. I know that millions can relate to this and have had similar experiences. I mention all of this only because I want you to know that though we do not know you personally, our love for you and our grief for you is very very real.

We are drowning, Michael. We are drowning without you. We have loved you so much all our lives. Do we not have some claim on you? And yet, as soon as I have the thought, "We Want You Back", I feel guilty about it. Because I know you are better off. It is just us who are worse off. And it is weak and selfish of us to ask you to come back. What is our pain compared to yours?

Oh Michael! When I think of all that you have endured and how it has been piling up over the years, and how you continued to remain so open and loving and caring and trusting, I find it incredible that you did not retire before this. That you gave us so much of your time. You are the STRONGEST person I know Michael, and I want you to know how much we admire and respect that. I also want you to know that we HEAR you. We hear your anger, your frustration, your indignation - we hear your pain, your sadness, your hurt. It tears our hearts out to see you hurt repeatedly, to know we cannot stop it - yet, for what its worth - we hear you.

And we are very glad that you have escaped all this nonsense and can now live in peace and privacy - we truly, truly are. It is our one consolation. It is how we strengthen ourselves and carry on somehow. We remind ourselves - "Be brave - be brave, for Michael's sake. It doesnt matter what you go through - at least no one can hurt him now." We know all of this and we feel all of this - and yet - dare I say it - we cannot seem to wish away that part of us that only knows how much it loves you, how deeply it misses you, how desperately it needs you back.

I do not know how to express in words how much we love you, Michael. You are a part of us. We love you so sincerely and so genuinely. Though we never met you, our love for you is very real. It springs from the truest, deepest part of us. We feel so connected to you. But please dont think that we love you in some creepy, obsessive way, cause we have nothing better to do with our lives. We love you because we appreciate art and talent and genius and creativity. We love you because you influence us and you inspire us. We love you because you are so incredible both as an artist and as a person. You teach us to be better people. When you say something, you say it so beautifully and so powerfully, that we have to stop and listen. We love you in a million different ways. We love you, each in our own way, because you mean something unique to each and every one of us.

Some might think its crazy that we can love someone so much, without having known them. But I think whats wrong with that? Love is a positive emotion. I look around me and I see a world so full of hate and crime and corruption and destruction. And then I look at you and see one lone man who is so special, that he makes people love him. I find it so incredible that you can evoke such powerful emotions and reactions in people. That you can reach across continents and touch peoples lives without ever having met them. You are so special and so beautiful - inside and out - that we cannot help but love you.

It is because we love you so much, that we cannot let you go, Michael. We cannot say "He was a great man. Oh well! May he rest in peace." We cannot even begin to think the "was". We cannot conceive of a world without you. When you love someone so dearly, you cannot be so mature and philosophical and so detached about it. We cannot get past this. Please do not imagine that we are hurting now but that we will get over it in time. We will always love you and we will always miss you and we will always want you back. ALWAYS. Dont think that we will ever forget you or reconcile ourselves to a world without you. Oh Michael! What can I say to express how deeply we feel your loss? Words fail me. Everything I say seems so inadequate. I feel it but I cannot express the pain, the misery, the grief, the hurt, the sorrow, the terror, the panic, the devastation, the despair, the darkness...

Please dont leave us, Michael. We love you. We miss you. We need you. We beg you - with all that we are and all that we have - we beg you not to leave us. Even though you do not owe us anymore. We are aware of that. THANK YOU for your music, your art, your love, your generosity, your inspiration... Thank you most of all for not lumping us together with the rest of the world and allowing us to believe you were gone. But for leaving us signs that others would overlook or not understand. We cannot tell you how grateful we are for that and how truly we appreciate this hope...

We know you do not owe us anymore. We know we are asking too much of you. What can I say? Though you do not owe us anymore, we beg you to pity us. Pity us, Michael. We are broken. Help us. We are so lost and confused without you. You are the only one who can make this right again. We want more than anything for you to come back to us. If all of us had one wish - I know we would all wish for this, together - the whole world at last in unison.

We beg you - just please, please, please, please, please, please, please Michael - just consider it. Please dont rule out the possibility altogether of ever returning. Someday. We'll wait for you. We'll wait for you, forever. Meanwhile, if you could please give us some more signs that you are alive and well, we cannot express to you how grateful we would be. We know that you have given us signs already, so that we neednt suffer more than necessary. That you risked your escape in giving us these signs. That you need not have. And we really, really APPRECIATE that. You do not know how grateful we are for this hope - we do not know how we would have coped without it. And here we are - asking for more. Its just that - oh Michael! - it is so difficult to inhabit a reality that no one else believes in. That you are even ridiculed for. We doubt ourselves - we doubt that maybe we are reading this the wrong way, maybe we are deluding ourselves, maybe we are just telling ourselves what we want to hear, seeing things we are desperate to see...

And if I am wrong in my hopes and beliefs that you are okay, oh god forbid if I am wrong, I am so truly sorry. Please know that I mean no disrespect to you or your family. This comes only from love and faith.

I just hope and wish and pray so fervently that even if you never come back, even if we never get to know for sure, that you may be alive and well and happy and healthy. That you may be surrounded by love and may enjoy the peace and privacy you so richly deserve. That you may raise your precious children. I pray that for their sakes if not for anyone else's you may be alive and well right now, because they deserve more than anything to get to know their father. You are such a good man - you deserve more than anybody else to lead a long and fulfilling life.

If, against all the odds, you have read this letter, thank you for your time and patience. It has been an incredibly hard letter to write and I have wept many bitter tears over it. It is hard to confront these feelings and to say these things. It is hard to imagine that I may be too late in saying them. It is hard to pour my heart out and say such private things, knowing that probably everyone in this world will read it, but you.

Just know, above all else, that you are loved. And how! Know, that should you ever choose to share your life with us again, we would feel utterly privileged. What more can I say? I love you, Michael. With all of my heart, and all of my soul, and with every fibre of my being, I love you.

Divya*

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