Jesus & God are too busy taking a piss to notice when Satan rips your soul out and eats it for breakfast. When G&J leak, it takes a million earth years. In the meantime, Satan will split your spine, play foosball with your eyeballs, and kick your head through a field goal, then send your soul to hell for more hijinks. Jesus won't save you--he's too busy playing "Grand Theft Auto" with the Holy Spirit.

Natalie Portman claims to speak all these languages, but she likely can't speak much of any of them. She can probably garble her way through synagogue services with Hebrew and order croissants in bad French, but I know from a TV interview that she can't speak Japanese and I really, really doubt she speaks German, because that language comes and goes from her list depending on which site you check. In sum, she brags, but can't produce. What a wanker. Try showing up for class and studying, Natalie. Just because you went to Harvard doesn't mean we should automatically believe you when you say you're going to learn Arabic.